The Wholesome Transformation of Miss Andry


Last year I attended the inaugural meeting of the Upper Beaconsfield Natural Health Special Interest Group, a loose coalition of all the alternative health practitioners in the area. Not being one of those, I went out of general interest. It turns out there’s never been a single case of malaria in Upper Beaconsfield since the homeopath moved in and set up shop. More on that later.

Anyway, it was all very business-like apart from the astonishing array of herbal teas and kombucha served as refreshments.

Azure Skye (I kid you not), the local spirit guide, opened proceedings with a call to Wican gods past and present, a sort of occult welcome to country, to protect and counsel those present. This was seconded by herbalist Melody Yew and passed unanimously and duly recorded in the minutes. I didn’t get to vote being an observer and all. There not being any business arising from the last meeting, it moved on to general discussions about the purpose of the group and what it’s aims should be. As far as I could tell it ended up being about one thing mostly, how to make more money for the attendees.

John Uland, the owner of the local health food store and by far the most successful of the bunch, was implored to do more to farm referrals out to the participants but needed some convincing it was in his best interests. The put upon, exasperated but defiant look on his face when he left the meeting kinda said it all.

The mood of the room and particularly the mood of John (something to which the psychics should have been more attuned) prompted the homeopath in question to drop her malaria revelation.

Apparently, unbeknownst to the good folk in Upper Beaconsfield, every day for the last 15 years or so, Avril Simpson had been tipping homeopathic malaria remedy into the town’s water supply. She was doing this out of a general concern for the townsfolk and their health and considered it on a par with other public health initiatives like fluoride, only safer. It was the mosquitos that gave her the idea. When she first moved there, they were in plague proportions and she remembered somewhere in the 110 page photocopied “textbook” she received at the beginning of her course, that mosquitos caused malaria. So she set about catching a few, squishing them up and turning them into a remedy through the process of dilution homeopaths use and from that initial batch she made every subsequent batch and so on. Every day for 15 years. For the uninitiated, homeopaths claim water molecules “remember” the malaria bug rather than carry it and therefore not much bug is needed to treat or vaccinate or prevent the disease. Now, a bit of background. When I saw her get up and speak, I thought Avril looked familiar, and it suddenly dawned on me.

I first knew her as the resident dominatrix at the Hellfire Club (don’t ask). In that setting she was known as Miss Andry and if you wanted to get right royally spanked, whipped or humiliated no one could make your cheeks, front and behind, redden in the way she could. She cut quite the figure in black rubber and leather, pussy ears and stilettos and she had a snarl and swagger to match. A woman in complete control of her environment. Most people find that line of work a bit odd, but when I asked about it at the time she said regarded herself as a therapist, allowing people to act out their compulsions in a safe and loving environment. A sort of Gestalt for the fetishists. When the meeting wound down, I introduced myself to her and asked her if she missed the leather and rubber and stuff. She did, but it was the rubber that caused her a problem and eventually led to her new career as a healer. The suit gave her a rash. She tried living with it for a while, using talcum powder and when that didn’t work, lube, under the rubber but eventually it became too sore and began to weep and crust up in all the wrong spots. Fluids began to ooze out and apparently fetishists have standards. There were complaints and she lost her job.

In a desperate bid to find a cure and get back to work ASAP she consulted Google and YouTube and stumbled on a homeopathy page that detailed a cure for rubber allergy which she followed to the letter. Low and behold, after using the remedy for 3 weeks the rash began to disappear and within 6 weeks it was all but gone. It was a miracle and the epiphany it wrought transformed Miss Andry, dominatrix into Avril Simpson, homeopath and self appointed public health advocate. She went to great pains to explain that this was just a continuum of therapy and all along she felt a calling to heal. Good to know.

Anyway, the point of her dropping that tidbit of information in the meeting was so it could be used in a publicity campaign to convince everyone of the efficacy of alternative health remedies, the imagined headline being “Town Cured of Malaria - Homeopathy Works”.

It never got off the ground of course, voted down by the other attendees who feared their areas of expertise would be outshone. If homeopathy worked, why would anyone consult the naturopath or the Reiki guy or iridologist. Even the colonic irrigator was against it. Sectional interests at work against the common good. A tale as old as time.



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